Cryo

The last entry got eaten by cylons. Hungry cylons. Rollin’ round the hood in their Raiders with their spinning rims and hydrolics. Flashin’ their bling and seducing all the bitches with their red stare and syren voices callin’ out monotonicly… By your command. Such bottoms pimpin their warez.

I had a thought. It got scared and ran away.

It’s been almost 6 months and the wounds are healing but the scars remain. Still broken just not as bad as it was. It’s been far easier to be MIA taking solace in the quiet moments of my life as retribution for the chaos imposed on it.

Mirrored from CryoCafe.

I’ve lost almost a week to the bed monster. Taking extras to my medications like caffeine or sugar has done nothing and today I was privleged to be out of bed for 3 hours in a sleep-deprived zombie state that leaves me detached, cranky, and mostly useless. To add to the stress level, Elle fell at work because of water under a mat making it slippery. She goes to the workmans comp doc tomorrow since she hurt her back. Sadly my pain pills do little for her and I know that she’s in pain and I know that pain too well. I’m determined to break this cycle of sleeping 10-15 minutes, being uncomfotable, too hot sweating too cold freezing, and generally annoyed. I told Elle that I think I’m depressed and she said that I’m the little blob with the rain cloud over me. It made us laugh but I’ve taken a couple steps back to try to fix this. I had a dream that I told her to put me into a medical coma to let my body heal. Tonight she said that the lortab, flexeril, and Ambien CR I took was just not going to give me the type of sleep I need but just put me in a medical coma. I find no other way to deal with insomnia and the constant fighting of my body and my brain over who is right. Right now they are both wrong. I need sleep and I’m not there yet. To the land of jolly gumdrops with Cheshire cat teeth ready to eat me.

This tstorm stuff isn’t helping either. At least I don’t have a migraine.

I made up my bed slightly different. Maybe that will help, but I doubt it. I’ve been feeling a little lonely lately, but I haven’t exactly been out of the house much. I still miss her… and bed monster will eat me.

Today is Neitzer’s birthday. Maybe he’ll come out to this side of town.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Sunday

Vodka and Daquaris were the weapons of choice for tonight’s entertainment. Along with Real Genius, which Chris and Nicole had not seen, surprisingly. The precursor was some TV of Next Food Network Star, Mission: Impossible and Star Trek. Elle and Nicole made two homemade pizzas which came out delicious.

Nicole has been caught in the Sims3 trap, torturing sims like ants with a magnifying glass.

Monday

Was eaten by space aliens

Tuesday

Missed the Apple Store appointment but going to the Drs was more important. Got more samples of Ambien to try to deal with the horrid insomnia happening during this fatigue episode. I’m just plain tired.

They took 2 vials of blood for a heavy metals test to see if poisoning or exposure is involved. One more test a poke a prod a shock a pain to turn up nothing. I’m just tired of being broken.

Elle brought kfc because she came home early because of the fall and her back and knee hurt. We were equally disappointed at the it because it was greasy as hell. However, yesterday’s Asian Helper was a hit. Maybe later I’ll eat some rice.

I need to wash my hair really well with the good shampoo and conditioner. I should also get the curls and split ends cut off.

I need more than I can give right now. I’m afraid that at my state i’m so scared that I’ll break where I should have bent. It can’t last much longer, right?

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Today was beaten up with baseball sucky. I woke up in the afternoon and took my morning meds. Caught Selene drinking out of the toilet. I couldn’t express my disgust in any other word than, “EWW”. I guess she’s pissed that she can’t drink out of Bette’s bowl.

It took a little while to get going which eventually involved finishing my upgrading of Bender’s pkgsrc tree and binaries. I’m trying to track and understand why brackup is failing for large number of files by eating all memory and swap and the falls over. Also did some helpdesk tickets and got complented on the speed and efficiency of a customer who had overwritten a file and needed a restore of it. It was still on Amy and hadn’t been uploaded to AWS S3 yet. I was proud of something so small.

My wrist got twisted, setting the theme for the rest of the evening. I had eaten breakfast of cheerios and a chocolate breakfast drink pack poured into it and mixed with milk. Chocolate cheerios ftw. That was before I went to bed yesterday.

Today I got a free blizzard because of a coupon. It was a medium, so it wasn’t too terrible, except that it was all I had today. So far.

Watched Coraline with Elle and wow what an amazing story Neil Gaiman told in an incredible stop animation feature. I highly recommend it with a date. It’s not really geared for kids. Which made it all the more delicious to me. <3 the cat. I will be buying it on blu-ray because it looked great in standard definition that high def must be amazing, especially in 3D, which glasses didn’t come with the rental.

Watch the X-Files: I want to believe. Again. But I have absolutely no recollection of it… None of it. This disturbs me as usual because it highlights the short< ->long term memory issue I have. Anyway, I enjoyed it and mmmm Scully. The tortured love between them just is good. I look forward to the next one, if there is one. They have both aged grcefully. I wish I did.

Still no flowers and I think the sun may have killed some of the bloomstarts for lack of water earlier. I fixed that issue, and really want them to bloom before I transplant them into the yard. The basil…. Wow. Anyone local in welcome to com have some. I guess I can dry them on a sheet in the oven at 100F and chop then to store? Bit fresh in pasta sauce was delicious. I think Elle and Nicole will use some in the home made pizza thing going on tonight along with getting shitty on booze. Elle doesn’t work tonight or tommorrow morning so any hangovers should be done.

I am almost done with the new scoring system in TapNet. Need to do a simple sound thing for free version with limited puzzles. The pay version will have a full mod player and more initial levels as well as level packs to upgrade to. It’s pretty kickass compared to nsNet and other boring semicompeting apps out there. It’s worth the wait.

Again laying in bed rambling and trying to keep up with pain while retaining some sense. Probably failing.

I built Selene a fort out of the recycled air bags that Alice.com packs boxes with. Took pics of her preparring her turret to shoot an unsuspecting Callie. I’ll get those uploaded to.

Rearranged icons on the touch into something coherent. Then realized that the coherent version needed me to relearn where everything is, so there’s some brain science going on there.

Five dollar milkshake was pretty impressive. I need to get wordpress plugins installed on Elle’s sites and find the ones I need.

Still hanging by the knot that I tied on the end of my last thread…

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

I was woken up buried in pillows and comforters in an apparent attempt to fill the spaces next to me that are empty. I failed. I have like a dozen pillows, 2 down comforters, and a body pillow, plus one of the pillow things that sit up against the headframe. Most pillows are down, and a couple have names. The sheets, douvets, and some pillow cases are high thread count (not silk or satin) because of my stupid body temperature fluctuating. This all sits on a king size down mattress cover that’s about an inch thick with multiple baffles. Oh this better be leading up to something because I can’t recall what started this. Anyway, even with all of this to make my tingling skin feeling weird textures thing, I can not sleep. I totally understand why MJ would beg for meds to knock him out. It’s a vicious cycle between the symptoms caused by lack of restful sleep and those that cause lack of restful sleep. That’s not even counting the stupid dreams and horrible nightmares that happen when I finally go unconscious, that wake me up and leave me in that state of not knowing if it happened or not or if I am still dreaming or not.

Sure enough, I was paying for last night in pain and coordination and would need the cane.

I pulled my shit together and went to the neurologist after taking my morning meds. There was no wait time and I was in a gown in record time and laying down waiting for the next torture which was my legs.

After 20 mins of pin pricks making me bleed, and jolting electrical shocks, he was done and so was I. We discussed comic-con, Tron Legacy, ahnuld in Terminators and Total Recall and how he had a cabana next to his family on maui vacations 2 different summers before he was govenator. Plus how his 1984 Jag mother-of-pearl 1 off paint job had been hit by a very appologetic idiot. This was his collectors edition perfect condition car. Side panel crunched, just sad. Especially if it ends up being totalled. Anything to keep my mind off of the much more painful jolts that my hands had to endure.

Everything looked normal and he’ll look over the MRIs that were taken by my rheumatologist before finally stating that it maybe myopathy or fibromyalgia.

As fucking annoyed I get over this bullshit of seeing the doctors, it’s just getting me closer to finally being able to change a question mark to a period. Sadly it does nothing for me to be able to cope and deal with it, once we’re out of the Not In My Head/Faking bullshit that some people think. The ones I want to beat into a pulp… With my cane… Provided they were like eggs.

Another expensive copayment and put the door we went. Little holes on my legs and feet and I was wearing shorts. Oh yeh I am a junkie… A funky monkey. Elle took me to Stevie B’s which was a refreshing salad pasta pizza buffet place which I enjoyed. The had an arcade room with ms PAC man and galaga, but no wifi made it not a decent place for nerd LAN meets like Panera. Anyway I had salad and a few slices of pizza. Then to DQ for a Blizzard to negate any positive effects. Hey, I was in more pain and I wanted comfort food plus I got to watch the geese at the park while indulging.

Upon the return to home I fell back into bed and took a food coma nap. I was awoken by ups delivering more stuff from Alice.com. If you want more info use the referral link on the side tab since I get a little discount of change. [do this]

I did a rolling package update on Bender in prep of moving the helpdesk to it as well as admin essentials. So hard to keep focused at times.

Elle wants a quiet Saturday night since Sunday everyone is coming over to drink vodka and get shitty. Meat will undoubtedly be sacrificed if I don’t catch the grill on fire. Maybe cigars. Maybe movie. Maybe I’ll drink some of my whiskey. Maybe the weather will cooperate. I still haven’t been in the pool yet. Kinda wondering what my skin will do.

The plants didn’t bloom yet but could be anytime. I did water them and feed Bette. Oh I shaved yesterday and my beard just keeps getting lighter.

I guess I need to stop worrying for those who don’t want me worrying for them. It’s harder than I ever imagined.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Met at the mall with Neitzer, Chris, Nicole, and Lilliane at the Teavana. It was and interesting moment of TOS meets TNG. The guy who made my fav of 2 scoops of Golden Monkey, 2 scoops of Sugar, for 2 minutes served over ice… did a good job so it didn’t taste like sweaty ass farts. I think Jess came up with that magic equation. Memory isn’t so good, and I was a little out of place. 2 pretty girls said that my blue hair looked nice. We ate at Ruby Tuesdays mainly because of the salad bar. It was the only thing I had, which was killed by the DQ Blizzard on the good-for-me chart.

We stood for more than 10 minutes at the fountain trying to get the Apple concierge thing to come up because we’re nerds. Only to end up walking up the stairs anyway. They didn’t have any slots open to discuss my trackpad issue. I found out from Nicole that having a case that I liked in dark blue plastic with powder blue elastic is… Feminine. I might get it anyway whenever I get the 3GS or maybe I’ll just wait for the new iPod touch series out in September. In any case, I want to get something so annoying that no one would dare steal.

Even surrounded by people who love and support me, I still felt lonely and empty. It’s like there’s a cloud of forgotten memories that is there that I can’t get at but just know it’s there. It’s not their fault, it’s me. These people are the heroes of my life and I know putting up with me is hard. The outbursts making you the center of a joke; the profane and misogynistic comments to make myself look like more of an ass than I really am; the poking at the soft delicates of your soul to find out why you hurt and then doing everything to try to make you feel just a tiny bit better and failing. There is nothing I can ever do to pay it back, because I would rather have my life suck more than make yours worse. Quit fretting over whether the “yours” was grammatically correct or not. “It’s how my brain works”, and it was funny for Maddy to say that to me during one of chats where I point out her teen angst and crazy-gene that we share.

I was happy to be able to walk the mall and be with evertyone without my cane or slowing everyone down that they get impatient waiting for me. On the contrary, I had decent strength and stamina. I was sure I would pay for it because, “that’s how my body works”.

Especially since is was -pissing- rain on the way to the mall. The kind of rain that hurts when you are riding a bicycle and sucks total ass when on the motorcycle. Speaking of, I got the talk in so many words that we can’t afford the tag or insurance on it. That dickface giving me the ticket would jack my rate up because it’s a moving violation. So I need to quit procrastinating and sell it. Chris is similarly procrastinating selling his. Besides, I want a Kawasaki Vulcan 900 anyway… And a pony… And win the lottery… And be healthy again.

The neurologist appointment is in the morning and I can’t sleep. Plus I need to remember to date stamp the posts right since I work on multiple ones over days on the iTouch’s Wordpress app, the upload when finished.

Oh downloaded the pictures of the plants but didn’t import them into iPhoto which would sync to this so I can drop them into the post. Sorry. Also there’s pics from the mall gathering.

Just push post already.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Funny how your eyes keep wandering
everytime I speak of deeper things
my love has no walls, it has no strings
so if you want to go, if you want to leave
when you’re ready …
come be with me
I don’t want to be angry anymore
so speak your truth now even if it hurts
’cause your silence has been whispering
that you’re still looking and it’s not for me
when you’re ready …
come be with me – Kathleen Bird York

A couple day wrap up would be something like this…

Still not on the right sleep schedule for what my body wants versus what my brain wants. One way to lose weight is to simply forget to eat. One way not to, is eating horribly when you finally do remember. This frozen Asian box food stuff was tasty, yet very bad for me. My stomach is letting me know that while the tongue appreciated it, it doesn’t so much.

It’s annoying to keep dropping shit when fixing my food or spilling tea, and I’m sure the number of times I say “shit” makes me look like I have torrette’s, but I manage.

I sat out on the porch and talked to Lilliane, and smoked a cigar. Selene was out on the leash lying down on the porch until some kids annoyed her. I watered the plants and tomorrow I expect them to bloom. I took pictures today of them and the basil.

Charter’s cable burying system is pretty nice. The lawn doesn’t look like a giant scar of dirt from the sidewalk to the side of the house. Gave them cans of Pepsi throwback. My supply is dwindling but that’s ok. I need to drink more tea than pepsi.

I have a female Betta named ‘Bette’. Not like Bette Midler but like Bette Davis. She lives in a goldfish bowl with a teapot on to to keep Selene entertained but unable to have a snack.

Today Neitzer is supposed to come out from Alpharetta and meet with everyone at the mall. I suspect there will be tacomac involved. The mall seems so alien to me now.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

I finally woke up for the like 10th time, giving up on trying to get more mythical sleep, at about 3. I did the usual sit and stare at the tasks of the day as well as news, mail, irc, icb, aim, and various linkwhores as well as journals. I came out of the information overload when Lilliane came home and read me the 569 questionaire that my neuropsychologist wants, out on the porch under the umbrella. I watered the plants and brought Selene out on her leash. O By the grueling end, Chris and Nicole showed up bringing the ingredients for pasta night. My brain was mostly spongy, but I try to be entertaining and engaging, even when I feel like dog shit. My sleep and Moon schedule are off.

Our discussions focused on me after Lilliane went to work, and what I focused on was how people interpret body language and communication through vocal conversations. A meandering through vocabulary and the quantity of information we are overload our brains with.

The best description I could come up with was that there was a time before multitasking computers where people read books constantly as well as using computers mainly for word processing. Even the games had limited objects to track because of the hardware. Moving from 2D to 3D in a game was an amazing feat. But the point was that there was a fairly limited number of things we had to pay attention to at once. Now that number is exploding and a lot of us are having some issues keeping up. I pointed out that no one cares what processors or number of cores you have, but that the machine keeps up with what you want or are trying to do. 16 different tasks running with browser pages with tabs while running iChat and Mail is not uncommon. Nicoles brain is used to that. But what if my brain cab only handle 8 and those 8 are being shuffled around to handle the other 8. What happens when it just starts dropping thing equally or all at once and having to restart to get back to where the brain was before… Every single second on the clock for 8-12 hours a day? Now fast forward when this generation meets next generation technology and the have to keep up with 128 or 256 tasks at once? How will their brains hold up? Are we creating a generation that will be so overloaded with input that everything has to be dumbed down to be comprehended in that microsecond?

There’s a lot to say about how two different people interpret the same data from the same source. Nicole interprets things differently than Chris does, beyond the duhhh part. Same context, but the parts that are picked up and discarded are different. It’s a wonder any one ever understand another.

The evening ended on a discussion on if Jupiter had enough mass to be a star and how much light it would emit at night (like 2010) and Chris had to throw in the gravitational changes that would occur with the increased mass. Now my brain has to think about that.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

The taste of charcoal in a little indigestinal discomfort of a sacrificial burning of meat to the various gods is the few reminders of a nice gathering of friends and family. The fact that I managed to be enthralled with getting all of the charcoals burning was interrupted with Chris politely telling me that the grill was on fire. My brain didn’t process this as quick as it should have because the grill should be on fire. The lid, however, should not, but was. I’m sure the few moments of inhaling the noctuous fumes from the paint and metal shortened my life a few years, but it was fun to hear the metal pop and sizzle as he sprayed it with water. The Beavis in me was all, “fire! Fire! Fire!”

After we ate, we watched Margaret Cho’s Beautiful from TiVo and much laughter was had. After that, I finally watched, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. There were lots of hurdles I had to overcome to cope with this, since when I tried watching it before, I couldn’t get past the first little bit because it hit too close. Even now, and even with friends around, there were solumn moments where a tear would sneak out of my eye that I would just rub away. Still, it was a great story and the acting was decent, regardless of the ridiculous penis wagling. Having this next sentence mean anything after that last comment is futile, so I’ll start a new one.

Maybe a new paragraph, too. I dunno. There’s still so much I can’t seem to get past. The problem is that it is in the past. There are no variables, just facts of a story that only I want to finish. It’s just all strange chemistry of my brain.

Nicole watched “The O Tapes” after the movie and Lilliane had gone to bed. Chris and I were apparently still burping up charcoal while working on a new security configuration for Warped. This went on to 4am. Here I am trying to exhaust my brain for a few hours of sleep. My brain has other plans. So does my heart which is still sore and still broken. Every other word, I don’t understand.

I talked to my mom today to give her an update of whatever tests the doctors are torturing me with lately and to getting updated on what’s going on up there. We talked about me coming up there, so that might be happening soon. I also talked about the financial issues looming as the always do. So many things to deal with, but I need to quit whining about them because there is little others can do. Even if I were in a better financial position, the rest of the shit I have to deal with needs attending to. Even if I weren’t here someone would have to deal with it.

It still ain’t easy being me. Trying to walk a mile in my shoes is impossible since I can’t.

Lilliane gave me shit for riding my bike to get gas and back. It’s not that I don’t care what she thinks and feels. It’s that sometimes I need to feel like I’m still alive and not a manican just going through the motions of life. Sure it’s stupid. Sure it’s a gamble. But I didn’t leave part of myself at the crash site, did I? It’s conflicting for me. Get back on the horse or shoot it. It’s been a big part of my sanity to get out and away. Some wonderful memories of feeling so alive and so loved with someone holding on to me and being so open. I miss those moments, and yes it hurts not just physically but emotionally. The fear of if I’ll drop at the next curve metered with the raw power and skill of over a decade of riding. So perplexing.

Selfish? Probably. Be gentle while you judge me on my stupidity. I’m still under construction and I still might have half a life left to quit being stupid. Darwin hasn’t won yet, and losing a battle is not losing the war.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Everyone’s truths are lies to pretty much everyone else. Except when they’re not. At some point we all have to face our lies that were truths at that moment. Those truths turn when circumstances afford it to or are out of our control. What’s left is the bitterness of spinning on those words that held so much value which are now worthless.

It happens on all sides but it never gets audited until afterwards. Broken promises tripped over that reach a point that they can’t be kept… like a pot that is boiling water, mocking you as it boils over… or the heart that breaks. While it may make perfect sense, doesn’t mean it’s understood.

Sleep is a luxury that has not graced my bed. The cats aren’t keeping me awake. The temperature has been decent in here. Ambien is losing to my brain’s desire to not stop having a party and waking the neighbors. I only wish I was invited. I’d host a little 8mm film projector on the insides of my skull showing embarassing moments out of my life for your amusement. The gawky teen years where I learned to be such a radical; The falling off of my bike at 10 and getting the scar on my leg that’s still there; the awkward first kisses and hugs; how everything I believed so desperately just couldn’t go on… All like a dream sequence. I promise I’ll keep it clean. That’s a lie and you know it.

It’s Friday night and I’m alone… all the girls are gone and “Maggot Brain” is on repeat, which seems oddly fitting. The motorcycle is still in the garage and I was strong enough last week to ride it around the block a couple of times. Squee has surpassed Splat’s 23,111 miles, of which only 2 of those were bad. It stares at me passive-aggressively. Testosterone begging me to quit being a pussy and ride again and just “get over” all of this bullshit medical stuff and her/them. Estrogen from my mysterious ovaries playing the good angel on my shoulder telling me that I need to deal with this shit and quit breaking myself both physically and mentally over it all. It’s nice to know my balls still care enough not to leave so that I have some sort of backbone, despite the slight curvature. But this just goes back to not being able to run away from yourself and be what others what you to be for them. But we all have to be happy with ourselves, and that is a monumental task that takes years and lots of help and lots of luck.

Because the chains we put on ourselves for others weigh you down far more than any put on you.

Current song…

This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We cant take back

Now every fool in town wouldve left by now
I cant replace all the wasted days
The memory of your face – cant help thinkin

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Heres what Im thinking

It wont be the first – heart that you break
It wont be the last – beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked – wont take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

Tell me one more time
How youre sorry about the way
This all went down – you needed to find your space

You needed to still be friends
Needed me to
Call you if I ever couldnt keep it all together youd comfort me
Tell me but forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
Heres what Im thinking

It wont be the first – heart that you break
It wont be the last – beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked – wont take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

Its over now – and Ive gone without
Cuz youre everybody elses girl
It seems to me – youll always be
Everyone elses girl
Everyone elses girl

This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And all the words we said
We cant take back

It wont be the first – heart that you break
It wont be the last – beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked – wont take you back
If you were the last…

It wont be the first – heart that you break
It wont be the last – beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked – wont take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world

The last beautiful girl in the world
You are the last beautiful girl in the world
Beautiful girl

Matchbox 20

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

Ride out the hopelessness in my head
…
Whatcha doing with you’re life, you ask me
Baby you’re not good enough for me
What’s the matter with you, you keep asking
Can you do better for me, better for me
…
Don’t you wanna know how I’m truly feeling here
I don’t think you do somehow

There’s a million reasons why I’m feeling down today
Still I wonder if I’ll ever feel the same again
Seen a million situations
She put me in my place
Guaranteed there’s a million more yet to blow
up in my face Ellie Lawson

I’ve been spending the better part of a decade living my life trying to be everything for someones and the last few months have been a monster of a detox. I am glad that my family and friends are putting up with me during this recovery because it’s been a bitch. I am not done and I’ve done everything I can to stop being a spongy mess looking for someone to try to “fix”. This doesn’t stop me from offering my wonderful and useless words of wisdom. I’ve tried real hard to eat my own dog food and just stop trying spending all of my energy on “projects” that just overload my ability to cope with. I am tired of dropping things off of my neverending lazy Susan and not ever getting back around to then. My attention has been Twitter lately and trying to coalate thoughts into a cohesive group has been difficult.

No more negative thinkin’ around me
I don’t wanna live my life that way
There’s too many good people to compensate
All the energy lost
all my energy
…
I gotta change my ways
Twenty-four hour life crisis
Burning me up, burning me inside

I gotta find my way
Twenty-four hour life crisis
Burning me up, burning me inside

Gotta get up from here

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

I woke up from a nap singing this song…

It didn’t matter that our parents were gonna pull apart our dreams
I was gonna fly in a rocket ship
And you were gonna be in a submarine

Though it wouldn’t last much longer
Didn’t matter to us
Being young was oh so fun
Waiting for that bus

and I’m sad I don’t remember the rest…

I can’t go back to that same dream of the summer girl with the frogs. We climbed that old tree and hanging upside down. Walking on our hands and when people would ask what we were doing, we looked at them like they were crazy and said, “nothing. why are YOU upside down?”

Summer never lasts forever
and all are left are the memories
while you wait for the first school bus

All the excitement of a brand new year
and even though you won’t know it then
you will when you’re older
those memories last forever summer girl

Unfinished… and probably always will be.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

That has not seen the light of day?

All of the code written, rewritten, outdated, fading fast on floppy or tape. Some vague reminder of what I was and that seems so insignificant. Like Pong, a relec of a former time when games didn’t require some one or thing dying to win. Only I’ve never reached critical mass. Always in the background, a wallflower too shy to dance alone and too withdrawn for anyone to dance with.

I wasn’t always like this, was I? Stuck in the past tripping over each day trying not to fall on my ass and look like a fool. I guess I am, anyway.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

I see the deck of Uno that Lilliane asked if I wanted to play, and I solemnly said no it’s still too soon. I don’t understand why I can’t move on or why I spin on why. Sometimes I think it would be better to leave this place… Get a new name. Run away and go be strange for a living. Anything, instead of trying differentiate the pains between physical and mental and emotional. I can’t run away from myself and I have too many responsibilities. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. The world will go on without me. I’m not as important as I thought I was. I guess I won’t be around to see what happens. I guess that is the way it’s supposed to be. As long as I keep an outward appearance of keeping it together they won’t see the cracks inside. I’ve had to try to clear my head but I’m still faultering over if this is as good as it gets… Where i’m constantly hopelessly mentally masturbating about what our future is going to be like when getting there is getting more snd more difficult. I’m not even sure where there is anymore. I feel so broken all of the time and anything I try to do seems to gets clouded. I am afraid of falling both physically and mentally. I am still more complicated than I expected.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.

I had a friend send me a link to a picture where he simply said it was a Cryo sighting. I haven’t uploaded the pic yet, but I have more than one issue with it. First, being self-conscious that I could put on a few more hefty pounds on and matching this pic. Second, is that he is smoking a cigarette, and while I smoke a once in a great while cigar, I have had cravings to light up. I have done nothing but abuse myself with my own choices in the past. I am sure I will continue to do so in one way or another. From thowing my heart at the wall or spinning constantly trying to solve problems that have no solution, I still breathe. This pic took my breath away, in its simplicity. Is it from the future warning me or just showing me that we really can’t change the future any more than we can change the past?

I’m laying in bed with my earphones in listening to Toad, Gin, and Crows. That in itself makes a great band name.

The neuropsych test that the neurologist wanted in the never-ending quest to find out what isn’t wrong with me was gruelling and while it was a duplicate of the one I had 5 years ago, I vaguely remembered some of it so those parts went faster. Still, almost 5 hours is a long time to spend answering stupid questions, playing with blocks, and encrypting the decrypting symbols into letters abs numbers. I was restless and my pain level was increasing due to the chair being pretty much the cheaper executive chair from office max. Hence, lots of fidgiting and trying to stretch. At the end I got 500+ t/f questions to answer and mail back. They will be also compared to the one I did before to see what changes there are. His quick executive summary of me is that I’m in lots of pain and extremely depressed.

Really? This was not therapy and I didn’t go into the losses in the last 5 years of beautiful people that were in my life. I didn’t have to explain anything, just do the tests. Of course, being a good doctor, he recommended said therapy. But that my pain is paramount in trying to manage. After J, (has she now resorted to just a letter to make me or her feel better? For privacy? Everyone knows, but I can’t explain why that just happened.) I try to just take the pain instead of meds to make it easier… Maybe it’s me trying not to look like some addict that is walking around like House and popping pain pills so that I.can.think. I have such difficulty focusing and finding my muse and motivation, regardless. I’m still trying to let go and move on… and it still hurts. Not trying to do the pity card, just telling it like I feel it. It pisses me off that I can’t control my feelings and that I have a pair of ovaries that occasionally override my ginormous balls. I’m just being honest, and I have done what I can to distract me but I’ve got a long way … to run.

My shoulder has been bugging me, which is probably due to the wonderfully beautiful thunderstorms here in ATL today. It prevented me from sleeping, much as the cable installers did this morning. I at least have greater than DSL speeds now (20Mbs down/2Mbs) vs (5Mbs/256kbs) for the geeks reading. This makes ssh sessions to all of the Warped.com and DeadJournal cloud much faster. Now go tell your friends to buy DJ accounts and/or Warped webhosting to support us!

I’ve been reluctant to be around people even onlne and I miss chilling with Chris and Nicole and Neitzer whenever her can be on this side of town. I miss going to the mall as I try to deal with all of the feelings. Another friend gave me a link to a teavana complaint because he knew that my-ex (J too but previous one) worked there. Chris found it entertaining. I found it interesting how thing change but… don’t.

Lilliane keeps telling me to stop saying that I’m broken. I guess she would know, having been with me the longest, and through 8 deep relationships. It’s complicated but my heart is open and sore and healing waiting to know if I can find someone again… and not bleed on them or lose them… or me.

Oh thanks to Chris, I can post the pic.

Originally published at CryoCafe. You can comment here or there.